Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
