I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
