I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
