Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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