Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
