I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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