i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
