I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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