if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
what day is it and did you see me today?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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