saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
