True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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