I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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