I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
