good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
