Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
