all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
