you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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