Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
