Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
