It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
