Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
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our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
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I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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