in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
