Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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