my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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