did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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