dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
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I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
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"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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