I'm jealous of your bromance
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
