So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I have aggressive nipples.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
