final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
