mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
This baby is an asshole
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Can you repeat that, but with context?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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