i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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