well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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