he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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