So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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