i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
