So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
