She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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