my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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