tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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