I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
You left your phone here
Wait...
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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