I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
