The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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