remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
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We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
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At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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