Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Randomize
