plz talk dirty to me
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
