He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
