You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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