Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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