It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
