Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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