It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
