I just pynch a tree in the face
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
