If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
