By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
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take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
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Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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