You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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