so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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