Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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